David:             Dear Ed,

Nearly that time again. Still at least you’re more fun than Gordon.


Love, David.

He sighs.

Dear Nick,

I suppose you have to come again because otherwise it would be awkward.


Love, David.

Nick:               David! I thought we weren’t speaking! Does this mean we have a future?

David:             Nick. Just don’t bring Nigel.

Ed:                  Nick? You know only invited because you were last time.

                        I mean. David. Nick’s made this like totally awkward because he like invited Nigel last year to his ridic sub-par Eurotrash bash.

David:             Please can you both just RSVP! I need to sort out the catering.

Nigel enters.

Ed:                  Oh Nigel? Did you get invited to the party?

Nigel:              David! Party? I’ll bring the beer.

Nick:               Wait, so Nigel is invited? You could have given me a heads up here. I thought we were supposed to be partners in government.

David:             Nigel is not coming.

Natalie enters.

Natalie:           Hello! Why aren’t there any girls at this party?

Ed and Nick exchange looks.
Nigel:              You weren’t invited.

Ed:                  Who’s she?

Nick:               Natalie?

Ed:                  Who’s Natalie?

Nick:               It doesn’t matter.

Nigel:              Er, David? You need to invite me. I am a party!

Ed pulls Nick aside.

Ed:                  If we make David invite Nigel you do realise they’ll just fight each other?

Nick:               You need to invite Nigel.

Ed:                  It won’t be the same without him

David:             “Dear Ofcom,


Love, David.”

Now listen, Ed and Nick and Nigel,

This is my party and I invite who I want. And I’m not inviting anyone unless Natalie comes

So there.

Natalie:           Oh David! I think I’m in love.

Nigel:              Nice try, sweetheart.

Ed:                  But I don’t want her to come! She’s steals all my friends!

Nick:               And well, we don’t like your parties anyway.

Nigel:              I might just host my own party.

David:             So, Nick and Ed and Nigel aren’t speaking to me now. And that’s your fault.

Natalie:           You invited them!

Nigel:              I brought beer.

They aren’t listening.

David:             You know you could have just RSVPed like normal people and kept this between us. But know you had to bring Nigel into it!

Nick:               We don’t need you anyway!

David:             You jumped at coming last time!

Ed:                  You did!

Nick:               Whose side are you on?

Ed:                  Not yours.

Nick:               Well I’m going to write to express my deep dissatisfaction at the situation.

Ed:                  Me too.

Nigel:              Me three.

Ed:                  Oh piss off! No one wants you here.

Ed, Nick, David and Nigel exit in an annoyed rabble.


Natalie:           Hey ITV, Don’t forget me! I’m still here. I’m still relevant people know my name now!

                        I’m still invited! Aren’t I? Hey wait! I have my RSVP. I’m still here!

She rushes off.

Nicola enters.

Nicola:            Dear England,

So are we!

Love, the SNP