David: Dear Ed,
Nearly that time again. Still at least you’re more fun than Gordon.
I suppose you have to come again because otherwise it would be awkward.
Nick: David! I thought we weren’t speaking! Does this mean we have a future?
David: Nick. Just don’t bring Nigel.
Ed: Nick? You know only invited because you were last time.
I mean. David. Nick’s made this like totally awkward because he like invited Nigel last year to his ridic sub-par Eurotrash bash.
David: Please can you both just RSVP! I need to sort out the catering.
Ed: Oh Nigel? Did you get invited to the party?
Nigel: David! Party? I’ll bring the beer.
Nick: Wait, so Nigel is invited? You could have given me a heads up here. I thought we were supposed to be partners in government.
David: Nigel is not coming.
Natalie: Hello! Why aren’t there any girls at this party?
Ed and Nick exchange looks.
Nigel: You weren’t invited.
Ed: Who’s she?
Ed: Who’s Natalie?
Nick: It doesn’t matter.
Nigel: Er, David? You need to invite me. I am a party!
Ed pulls Nick aside.
Ed: If we make David invite Nigel you do realise they’ll just fight each other?
Nick: You need to invite Nigel.
Ed: It won’t be the same without him
David: “Dear Ofcom,
FFS. NO ONE INVITED YOU EITHER.
Now listen, Ed and Nick and Nigel,
This is my party and I invite who I want. And I’m not inviting anyone unless Natalie comes
Natalie: Oh David! I think I’m in love.
Nigel: Nice try, sweetheart.
Ed: But I don’t want her to come! She’s steals all my friends!
Nick: And well, we don’t like your parties anyway.
Nigel: I might just host my own party.
David: So, Nick and Ed and Nigel aren’t speaking to me now. And that’s your fault.
Natalie: You invited them!
Nigel: I brought beer.
They aren’t listening.
David: You know you could have just RSVPed like normal people and kept this between us. But know you had to bring Nigel into it!
Nick: We don’t need you anyway!
David: You jumped at coming last time!
Ed: You did!
Nick: Whose side are you on?
Ed: Not yours.
Nick: Well I’m going to write to express my deep dissatisfaction at the situation.
Ed: Me too.
Nigel: Me three.
Ed: Oh piss off! No one wants you here.
Ed, Nick, David and Nigel exit in an annoyed rabble.
Natalie: Hey ITV, Don’t forget me! I’m still here. I’m still relevant people know my name now!
I’m still invited! Aren’t I? Hey wait! I have my RSVP. I’m still here!
She rushes off.
So are we!
Love, the SNP